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The Elvis Sighting/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] harold: A great person from history once said, "truly creative works are never finished -- they are abandoned." and since we didn't finish the show, it's time to abandon it, abandon it before it turns wild. And who better for the job than a man of wild abandon and the star of "the red green show" and my uncle, because he's my -- he's my father's brother. That's what makes him my uncle. Here he is -- mr. Red green! Thank you very much. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to the show. Thank you, harold. Not the best introduction I've ever heard in my life, but, uh, uncles can't be choosers. Sorry, uncle red. It's -- I'm sorry. Well, no more than I am, harold. By the way, harold here is not only my nephew. He's also my producer and my director. Yeah, and I also have control of this video effective panel here. Look at this. I can do things like that, and it gives the show a look. I like to think everything should have a look. Well, you get looks everywhere you go, don't you, harold? That's my job -- looks, angles, visuals. Yeah, well, anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. We got a lot of film clips, we got a lot of special guests, and, uh, I have a great story about moose thompson and elvis. Well, why don't we just get right on with, like, the video clips and, of course, the guests? Well, what about the, uh, moose thompson and elvis story? Oh, you know, well, let's save the best for last. If there's time. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there are certain things you should never do ♪ ♪ like don't eat things that you find on your shoe ♪ ♪ don't have a nap in the middle of the road ♪ ♪ and don't ever lick a toad ♪ ♪ don't lick a toad, don't lick it ♪ ♪ you'd be better off to kick it ♪ or better still, just leave it alone. It wasn't bothering you. No. ♪ don't lick a toad, don't lick it ♪ ♪ just say no to toads ♪ well, I guess you can tell this is kind of a special day. Uh, you know, once in a while, I do like to spend some time, with uh -- with the youngsters. And this is something I think more and more adults, uh, can do, uh, or even parents. You know, if you're a parent and you do have a child and it's not like harold, uh, you might want to spend some of your valuable time with the child -- pays off in spades. Or a kid down the street, you know, or if you get involved with the big brothers. Highly recommend that. And, uh, I'm spending some time today, uh, with, uh... Max. ...Max. And, uh, max has brought an airplane here. This is, uh -- this is max's own model plane. Do you want to -- oh, no, no. Actually, you better not touch that. Uh, what you can do, max -- we're gonna fly this plane today. And this is -- well, this is kind of fun for me, too, I got to tell you. Uh, max, why don't you -- you untangle the string. And, uh, I'll -- I'll work on the plane. Get all the junk. He's got the whole kit here. He really has. He's got the whole thing all set up. [ clears throat ] you know, uh, I never had one of these when I was a kid. I always wanted one. Uh, but, of course, my dad -- he wouldn't -- he wouldn't spend that bit of time, and, uh, so it didn't pay off for him, you know? And I think in a way -- and here I am spending time with a young fella, and look what's happening for me. I'm getting, uh -- finally, I get the thing going with him, which I always wanted as a kid, never did get to, and this is... [ clears throat ] so you see how it works out. Want to hurry up, max? Uh, I haven't got all day. And, uh, they enjoy it, too, as much as -- as much as -- I'm gonna get my glove. Uh... Uh... I didn't have my glove, so I've got the handyman's secret weapon here, which we call an a.G. -- Alternate glove. And what I'm gonna do is, uh, wrap this around what's going to be the cut. And then I'll use this to actually start the -- how are you -- how are you doing there? No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong. You're doing it all wrong. You're doing it all wrong. You're doing it all wrong. Come on over here. Start here. You untangle it there. There, there, there, there, there. That's it. They like the guidance. It's not something you just want to sit back and do it any old which way because, uh, this is how they will learn. This week in "handyman corner," uh, we're gonna show you how to get, uh, more and more uses out of your, uh, electric drill. You know, uh, a lot of people ask me -- "red," they say, "if I only can afford to buy one power tool, what should I buy?" well, now that they've made, uh, flamethrowers illegal, I would have to recommend the power electric drill. First of all, you can use it, uh, for drilling. [ motor whirring ] you can also it, uh, to cool down the workshop. [ motor whirring ] just, uh, you know, hang that from the ceiling with, uh, the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. Now, they try to sell you one of those, uh, fancy, automatic power screwdriving deals, and they cost anywhere up to $7 million or $8 million. Well, all you need to do is to get the bit, which is about $1.49, and you just put it into your normal drill. And it just works just absolutely fine. [ motor whirring ] well, you get the idea. Now, you know, they try to sell you a bunch of attachments for your drill, but, uh, the truth is, the attachments really don't make that much difference. Uh, the real reason that the drill works is through you horsing down on her and really putting some torsion on it. You can cut a hole with anything from a toothbrush to car keys if you -- if you get enough juice on her, you know? So, for example, they'll sell you a real expensive, uh, saw blade that goes on your drill. Well, that's really not necessary. Uh, I'll show you right here how you can cut a perfectly good line just using your ordinary drill with, uh -- with a drill bit in it. [ motor whirring ] all right, you got to be prepared to give it a little more time this way, but you're saving upwards of $5. Now, here's -- here's something that you wouldn't ordinarily think to use a drill for, and this is what I'm trying to say, is that you're only limited by your own imagination. And you can deal with that as you may. But here's a situation where you take two wires that you would want to strand together and make some sort of a braiding pattern. Just twist them together, make a neater look for whatever it is you're -- maybe you're rewiring your stove or whatever. Uh, what you do is you put both ends of the wire in there and you take your two strands and you turn on the drill from a remote setting and then just slowly walk towards it while it winds it. And it's a heck of a rig, and it's not something that you'd ordinarily think of with a drill. So, why don't we just give this a -- give this a try? Uh, all right, boys, you want to hit the power there? [ motor whirring ] there we go. Just look at that. All right, you want to kill that? Kill that now. [ clears throat ] all right, so, uh, if you are thinking of buying a power tool, I'd recommend you go out and get yourself a new drill. Looks like I'm gonna have to. Anyway, so, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. We'll be right back with, uh, more fun in the forest, more film clips, and more about moose and elvis. ♪ treat me like a fool ♪ or what, eh? [ clears throat ] okay. I'll start her up. This is throat this is exciting, but it's very, very dangerous. You know, maybe it's not that dangerous. I'll just wait for that pain to go down a little bit. Yeah. "it is winter. "the rabbits grow a warm winter coat. "the foxes, too, grow a thick winter coat. "as do the minks and the raccoons. "but we cannot grow a thick coat. So we just kill them and take theirs." okay, now, I was telling you about, uh, moose thompson and elvis. And moose was down at the supermarket, and he told everybody that he saw the ghost of elvis in the chinese-food section. But nobody believed him. And then he remembered that it wasn't the chinese-food section. It was in the delicatessen, and suddenly, the story had an eerie ring of truth to it. Uncle red, how come you can't talk about, like, guns n' roses or new kids on the block, you know, something that our younger viewers might like, not just old people, you know? Wa-a-a-a! It's just a thought. What about that? What are you talking about, harold? Well, these stories are really good. It's just that nobody likes them. Maybe we should put a music video in here, you know, something -- something with some rap. All right, give me your knuckles. No. I mean like paula abdul, you know? She's really good. Maybe people would like to hear her rather than about moose thompson's hallucinations. People under 80 would rather hear that, I think. No, this wasn't a hallucination, uh, harold. I mean, elvis could not be a hallucination, okay? Oh, yeah? You don't know. Maybe something like this happened. Did you just cut me off, harold? No. It was a hallucination. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I hear the sizzle of bacon on the engine block ♪ ♪ I see a handful of hash browns lyin' in my sock ♪ ♪ I watch a stack of pancakes go rollin' down the dock ♪ ♪ breakfast is hell when the stove blows up ♪ all right. [ clears throat ] what we have to do now is, uh, adjust the motor. Max, get me the fuel. Get me the fuel. It's in the -- get the fuel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's -- all right. Oh, uncle red, great, excellent. This is the part of the show that you like best. Oh, uh, all right. Uh, so long and thanks for watching. Oh, no, no, no, no. Uncle red, I meant like "male call," the part where we answer viewer mail. I got a letter right here. It's hard to read, though. It's, like, on colored paper and crayon. [ laughs ] "dear possum, I really like your show. "I have all of them on tape. "I've watched every one of them 50 tires. Times -- 50 times." [ laughs ] "I think you are very wisp. Wise." he thinks you're very wise, uncle red. "I'm your biggest far." what's a far? Well, that would be, uh -- that would be a fan, biggest fan. Looks like "far." well, it would be "fan." let me see it. A lot of times, a small "n" looks like a small "r." yeah, but that's a capital "r." no, it's "your biggest far." all right. Yeah, well, okay, I've got a far. That's nice. I got fans. I guess far is kind of a nice change. Says, "I want to start a far club." I think he means a fan club there, harold. "I thought a far club would be nice since you probably already have a fan club." huh! "to start the far club, I will need your approval. Is that okay with you?" signed, "x." well, uh, yeah, sure. I mean, harold, every star dreams of having their own far club, don't they? How far does he want this far club to go, do you think? Probably pretty far. It's a far club. Well, the farther, the better, if you ask me. Okay, sure, whoever you are, go ahead, start the red green far club. It says here he wants to call it the red groin far club. That's even better. Okay, the red groin far club. Perfect. If any of you viewers at home want to become a member of that beautiful-sounding club, uh -- harold, why don't you just hold up the return address? You can get directly in touch with this guy. He didn't send one. Just, like, a chewed-up wad of gum and a rock in a plastic bag, uncle red. This is quite a country we got here, harold. Got to have a license to buy a gun, but they'll sell anybody a stamp. What kind of gum is it? Dubble bubble or something. Well, I'll have that. You have the rock. Oh, okay. Red: We, uh -- we do get winter in this country, and, uh, bill and I think that, uh, well, one of the keys to make the best of winter is to get out and enjoy it. And, actually, you take activities and throat and just do them, you know, because when you get going like -- here he is coming down on a sled, and, you know, he's having so darn much fun that, uh, he really doesn't notice the cold or the -- or the -- anything. There's no -- oh, my god. But, uh, that's -- that's all part of the fun, isn't it? Uh, he's -- he looks all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we wanted to show you today how you can have some fun, uh, with the winter, and, uh, it doesn't matter if you don't have any money. You don't have to join an expensive ski club or any -- any such thing as that. Uh...It helps if you can't read. But even if you have just a cardboard box -- probably this is from a dryer or a washer or, uh, it might have just been the doughnuts that we got. And then into the box, you see. [ laughs ] well, that wasn't -- no, you don't want to go down -- you want to go down standing upright in the -- in the thing, and bill will show you. This is a lot of fun, 'cause you really can't see what you're gonna hit. Uh, well, that didn't look like that was bill's top end, was it? Come on, bill. Come on, up you go, up you go, up you go. There he is. [ laughs ] well, we jam him down there, flip him over, and away he go-- well, for darn sake. [ laughs ] and here's another inexpensive, uh, sled you can use. Uh, this is a garbage-can lid. And, you know, they're the plastic... And that skids on -- and this is something I did. [ chuckles ] just to, you know, add another wrinkle. I thought I'd put him right into the can. You know, it's really where bill belongs most of the time, anyhow, you know? And then this would make it more exciting for him, kind of like space mountain at disney world, you know? Oh, and he's having a good time. And, uh, golly, that would make you dizzy, wouldn't it? I said, "bill, when you finish, if you're okay, just give us the wave," you know? And there it is. Yeah, yeah, he's fine. "it is winter. "when people wave to you from the warmth of their cars "or shout 'hello' as they hurry by with their packages, "but you can't answer because your tongue is frozen to your sleigh." uh, this is a time in the show where we, uh, just take a minute out from the entertainment and the pleasantries and have a chance just to be sort of bored out of our minds. Harold? [ laughs ] okay, I'm gonna talk about your first date. Okay, many of you, unlike me, have never been out on a real date with a girl. [ laughs ] with a girl. Okay, um, first things first, okay? Don't -- do not try and kiss her in the hallway with her parents there. Don't. Second, never make fun of people who play lotteries until you've ascertained if, indeed, she plays lotteries. And the worst -- whoever thought this could have happened, but it's horrible. Maybe her family makes their living selling lottery tickets. And when you get out to the car and her foot's not inside the car, don't slam the door. Don't do that. Like, don't -- like, maybe you think it's the seat belt or something and you keep slamming it. It's not. Don't. It's a leg. It smarts, according to people who have been there. And next, when, um, you go out to dinner and say -- say you don't have enough money to cover the bill, okay? Don't start crying. Don't. Doesn't help. Just be really cas and cool about it, right? Just say, "you know what? I don't think I'm gonna have gravy on my fries." look at that, right? You're out of the situation. Slick, right? Okay, then, you know what else you don't do? Don't go to a german art film. And do not read the subtitles to her until she looks at you real sweetlike and goes, "would you shut up?!" don't do that. And then finally, when you're going home and you're kissing her good night and she doesn't want to... Don't ask her why. Believe me, it hurts. Thank you. Don't go away. We got the end of the moose and elvis story coming up. Inquiring minds don't care. [ laughs ] give me the fuel there, max. The fuel. No, no, no, no, no, no. But, you know, you spend a little time with these kids, and, uh, before you know it, uh -- you got to push down on that while you're turning it. Can't you read? Push down. No, no, push down harder while you're turning it. Turn that and push down. Push down and turn that. Turn -- push -- push. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Don't knock it over. You do it. You do it. I can -- you do it. You do it. Okay, be careful. Careful. Okay, okay, okay. That's enough. All right, all right, all right. Put the lid on it. Put the lid on it. Put the lid on it. I'm here today with a man who is living his dream. By day, he delivers food for people, and, uh, on the weekend, uh, he drives his monster truck around crushing cars -- my good buddy, dougie franklin. Thank you, red. As the sign says, I love this truck and I love the work I do in it. You should see the look on some of these people's faces when they see this -- this vehicle coming across their front lawn. Oh, I'll bet. It's a wonderful feeling. And being so high up, too, they don't even have to come downstairs for their dinner. I can just slip it right through the second-story window to them. It's a convenient thing. But, you know, red, some of these people, they got nothing. They got no food. They got nothing. It's -- there's something wrong with a society when some people have so much and other people have so little. I mean, you know, it's like we got our priorities screwed up somewhere along the way. Oh, that is so true, dougie, you know? What would a -- what would a truck like this cost? Uh...About $86,000. $86,000. That's fully loaded, though. I-I used to have a honda civic. We took her to the tractor- and truck-pull thing, but, uh, we didn't fare very well at all, so I had to get rid of it. Yeah, but, uh, dougie, there is, uh, a lot more to this sport than just, uh, lining up in front of a bunch of old cars and then, uh, flying through the air and then, uh, coming down and crushing them. Nope. No, that's about it. That'd sum her up in a nutshell, I think what the sport's all about. But, you know, if I might just get serious for just a second, red, I'd like to talk to you kids at home. If you kids at home have got an oversized truck with humongo tires like this, you don't want to be trying the stuff that we do. Leave it to the professionals, because you could get into, like, a, uh... Things could happen to your head and, uh, you could deal with some head injuries. Uh, and -- and your head could get, uh -- you can -- you can hurt, uh... Heads would get injured there bad. Did I say that? I think I did. Yeah, while you were speaking there, I was just wondering if maybe a seat belt might be a good idea in a sport like this. Oh, oh, yeah, you bet your bottom dollar on that. Now, I have a seat belt, but it's crawled -- it's snuck back here into the crack of this seat here, and I can't get at it. It's been welded into -- into place. I can't get at her, but, you know, it's a safe -- it is a safe sport, red. I mean, nobody is gonna get hurt unless, of course, they got their face staring up the barrel of my exhaust when I fire this baby up. Boy, that will set you free. I tell you -- there's a story behind that one. Yep. Maybe some other time, huh? Huh? I never knew toupees cost so much money, I'll tell you that right now. Well, that's dougie franklin, a man who has combined his hobby and his work into one huge, great big gigantic truck here. Or that they were flammable, too. That sucker...Right off. He was a cue ball. He was a cue ball. Unbelievable. You know, he come in looking like tom selleck and he went out looking like kojak. So, uh, anyway, uh, after moose thompson had seen the ghost of elvis, it kind of changed his personality, or I should say it got him a personality. Put, uh, rhinestones all over his plaid shirt and his hunting vest and his tent. And he went around saying, "thank you very much," you know? And he bought his mother a motor home. He called it greaseland. You know, we try to be tolerant of people for a couple of minutes or so, but then it got to the point where he was really getting on our nerves. Uh, so we knocked him down, stepped on his face, and slandered his name all over the place. Now he thinks he's mama cass. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna be coming straight home, and, uh, I've decided not to put my hair into a ducktail 'cause I couldn't get the duck to go for it. Anyway, uh, on behalf of myself, uh, and... Harold. Yeah, close enough. And the rest of us up at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversation ] [ motor whirring ] all right, let her go. Yeah, that's it. Now, that's flying at its best, isn't it? Take this little extra time and youngsters get to have some fun and, uh -- is it okay? Eh, it'll be -- we got some duct tape in the van there and whatever. Golly, I'm thirsty. Clean that up, will you, max?